HOME at LAST!

Just a quick update for everyone. I have had a very rocky road over the past 6-7 weeks as I have received new treatments and medications in the hospital.  Some made symptoms worse, while ONE made all the difference.  About 2 weeks ago my doctor prescribed a steriod for me to try.  Although this medication has not made all of my symptoms fade, it has made it possible for me to stomach food and water again.  After 3 months of not being able to keep anything down it was a wonderful experience to taste food and have it stay down.  I still have a constant feeling of nausea but I guess I can deal with that in comparison to what I have experienced so far in this pregnancy.

Yesterday I was able to have my PICC line removed which was a very big step.  I am no longer being fed through a tube, given IV medications or hooked up to a constant line of saline. I am tolerating all my medications orally and with that means I am able to be at HOME! I was released from the hospital yesterday and am so HAPPY to be in my own home. It will be somewhat difficult getting back into some kind of routine but, I am hoping over the long weekend I will be able to start getting used to being back in my own space with Brad here before I have to do it on my own during upcoming days. I have spent 3 months being very dependent on doctors, nurses and other hospital staff and so I am very nervous to start living more independentantly here at home. But with the continued support of friends and family I know that this is going to be possible.

I want to take a second to thank EVERYONE who has been a support and help throughout this trial so far.  Visits, cards, flowers, etc. were all very appreciated. Brad and I would not have been able to endure as we have without all of the constant love and support of our friends and family. THANK YOU from the bottom of our hearts!  

Refiner's Fire

You don't become strong without challenge. My current trial is apparently the way in which my Father in Heaven has designed for me to become something more. Although like many, I would prefer to become strong through simple day to day living. I often wish I could see the end from the beginning in order to more fully understand the Lord's plan for me.  Yet the trial of my faith is the main purpose of this particular time in my life. By this I have felt a deepening of testimony. I am in constant communication with the Lord through humble prayer. I have certainly asked many times for this burden to be lifted, but have also asked the Lord for his will to be done.

As a future parent, I feel an opportunity to better understand the good intentions of a Heavenly Parent. Does the mother of a young child take him to the doctor for shots simply to enjoy his pain? Of course not! The future well being of this precious young child is safeguarded, because of a mother's well intentioned love. So is it, with our Heavenly Father who allows us eternal growth through "small moments" of tribulation. He does not leave us to endure alone, but has given the greatest gift through the atoning sacrifice of His only begotten Son. Because the Lord loved us enough, He allowed Jesus Christ to suffer for all of His children's sins, sufferings, sicknesses, and sorrows. By this I know there is at least One who has felt the pain, sadness and lonliness of my ailment.

This weekend has been a great reminder to me of all of these things. As I have listened to the words of the prophet, apostles and other auxilary leaders, I have been recharged and refueled to continue steadfastly on the path that the Lord has prepared for me. If you would like to listen, read or view some of the inspiring words of these leaders of our church, please visit http://lds.org/general-conference/sessions/2011/04?lang=eng

1 Year Older!

Yesterday was one of the BEST days I have had in the hospital. My birthday was a very special experience this year.  Through the support and love of family and friends I had a party all day long.  From 9:30 am until 10 pm I was NEVER alone! I had a cheerfully decorated hospital room (thanks to Nola, Katelyn and James), beautiful flowers (thanks to my wonderful employers), and constant company, thanks to soooo many friends and loved ones! If I had to be in hospital for my 24th birthday, that was definitely the way to celebrate it!  I am so grateful for the love and support of so many as Brad and I continue along our very unique road to parenthood. Although daily I struggle to stay completely positive in this difficult situation, yesterday was like a power boost of positivity to keep me strong for quite some time! Thank you again to everyone who made my day!

Waking Up is a Beautiful Thing - When You've Slept

Last night at around 11 o'clock was our second attempt at finding a way for me to get some MUCH NEEDED sleep.  After taking my usual gravol and a couple of sleeping pills all prescribed by my doctor, the magic happened.  Three hours later I awoke feeling somewhat refreshed!  Although 2 am is not neccessarily the time of day you want to wake up to. Trust me I did not mind one bit.  Those three hours of sleep were like sacred golden moments.  I am soooooo grateful I was finally able to sleep even that little bit. I feel ready to face another nauseous and exhausting day, and know that I have what it takes to make it through.  Although my symptoms have not lessened or even disappeared I know the sleep I received last night was a blessing from my Heavenly Father.  I have been praying that I might be able to at least have the adequate physical strength to face this trial. And for today I do!

Another Sleepless Night

Well I was really hoping with some extra medication ordered from my doctor yesterday I might be able to actually get some sleep last night, but it didn't happen.  First thing that set me off course was the fact that I got transferred from one unit in the hospital to another.  Since I was being moved, but didn't know when, it was difficult for the nursing staff to decide whether or not to give me some of the medications I have been taking because of some of their side effects.  So I went an extra 3-4 hourse without ANY of my 4 anti-nausea medications.  It wasn't a whole lot of fun.  Even though the medications do not get rid of the nausea, some of them do seem to lessen it at least to some degree. 

Once Brad helped me move rooms and settle in for the night he said goodnight. I was left in an unfamiliar place where I didn't know any of the nursing staff and they didn't know me.  I had really gotten to know some of the nurses on my old ward because I had been with them for almost a total of 3 weeks.  But, the nurses who met me in my new room were very welcoming.  They tried the best they could to make me comfortable.  Finally at around 10pm it was time to take the medication my doctor had prescribed to try and help me sleep.  After an hour past and I had not felt the slightest bit of drowsiness, I realized this wasn't going to work.  I was quite disappointed because I had really been looking forward to a good nights rest.  Over the last 10 days I would venture to guess I have slept an average of 30 minutes a night.  Not much to go on. I am extremely tired, but again the nausea and vomitting keeps me up at all hours, day or night.

So tonight we are going to try a double dose of the sleeping medication with the combination of an anti-nausea medication, in hopes that sleep will come my way. And if not, I guess there's not really much lost.  There is only a LOT to gain from a restful night.  Wish me luck!   

Fast Sunday Turned Fast Month!

Since today is fast Sunday in our ward today, I decided I would like to share my testimony.  Although I can't attend church, I do feel it is important for me to share my knowledge of the gospel and its truthfulness. And I would consider the past MONTH my version of a fast...haha.

I KNOW that my Redeemer and Saviour, Jesus Christ Lives.  I know that he came to this earth as our Father's only begotten son.  He lived a PERFECT life and yet Atoned for all of our sins.  Not only did he atone for our sins, he atoned for our sufferings and sadness. He knows each of us individual and can succor us according to our individual needs.  Even in our deepest, darkest trials he does not leave us.  I have felt him near as I have cried out to him.  I have been surrounded by his love as I have struggled over the past few weeks.

I'm grateful for kind doctors and nurses who are patient with the fact they have to constantly clean up me. I'm also grateful for Prayer! Although I am by myself most of the day, I don't have to feel completely alone because I know I am not. I couldn't imagine going through something like this without a knowledge of a father in heaven who loves me and knows me. I am grateful for a husband who is worthy to hold the priesthood and can give me blessings at a moments notice! I am grateful for the atonement of a Saviour who suffered not only for my sins but for my suffering and sorrows. Sometimes I feel like no one understands what this sickness is truly like, but I know my Saviour Jesus Christ knows just how it feels. I am grateful for support near and far! And I am especially grateful I am carrying a precious child of our Heavenly Father's! If anything would be worth this pain and suffering, becoming a mother is!!! I am grateful to know that my baby is healthy even though I might not be. I am so excited to be a mom! And that's one thing that I hold on to EVERY DAY!

I guess when I truly stop and reflect I still have a whole lot to be thankful for! My God has not forsaken me! I believe in him with all my heart and know that he lives! I understand now a little bit more why the Lord draws us closer to him through trials. I have never prayed more often, or pleaded with God in such a sincere manner before now. I think I have felt the true definition of a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And although I have never felt so low in my life, I have never been lifted HIGHER! I am learning to let go and let Christ carry me as in the poem Footprints! I know that when I look back in the sand it will be clear to me that the one set of footprints was never mine. There is no other explanation for me to be where I am. This span of time will be but a small moment and I hope to look back at this time with gratitude and not a grudge. I am not claiming that I do not have times when I want to give up or quite, but those times pass when I learn to rely on the Lord. My testimony truly is the crutch I hold tightly to. When the weight is just too much, I lean on my testimony. Without it, I would have given up long ago. Don't ever let your testimony fade... it is the light that leads you in the right direction.

 

O Savior, Stay This Night With Me!

Well, this is day 4 of my new food source and everything seems to be going well with that.  The area where they inserted the line is no longer bothering me... it's just itchy, which I'm told is very normal.  I'm so thankful that I no longer have to worry about little baby Pierson receiving the nourishment he/she needs through this developmental stage.

On the other hand, things have not really changed as far as the nausea and vomitting.  It's been a rough few days as I am constantly struggling with the fact that I am still very HUNGRY! I try not to focus on it, but some days it is very difficult to ignore the rumbles of my tummy...lol.  I want to eat, but I know the price I have to pay afterwards and often the cost is just too high.  It has now been 5 weeks since I was able to keep any food or liquid down.

One of the things that has been a saving grace is the wonderful nursing staff here at the hospital!  They are AMAZING!  I am grateful for their smiles and constant kindness as I have been going through this trial.  A couple of nurses in particular have made an extra effort during the nights to take time and talk with me, as they realized I was not getting much sleep. These short and yet thoughtful conversations have made the late hours barable for me. It seems the night is when I am struggling the most as I find myself often laying alone in a dark room hoping to find a short sleepy escape from this unceasing discomfort.  Yesterday before Brad went home for the night he took some time to sing some hymns to me, which ALWAYS seems to bring some sense of comfort. The last one he sang was "Abide With Me Tis Eventide". 

I find myself spending a lot of my time in earnest prayer to my Heavenly Father.  I have never felt so literally low in my entire life... and yet I have never been LIFTED HIGHER!  Last night the words of the hymn were my constant prayer and I know that HE heard me:

1. Abide with me; ’tis eventide.
The day is past and gone;
The shadows of the evening fall;
The night is coming on.
Within my heart a welcome guest,
Within my home abide.

[Chorus]
O Savior, stay this night with me;
Behold, ’tis eventide.
O Savior, stay this night with me;
Behold, ’tis eventide.

2. Abide with me; ’tis eventide.
Thy walk today with me
Has made my heart within me burn,
As I communed with thee.
Thy earnest words have filled my soul
And kept me near thy side.

[Chorus]
O Savior, stay this night with me;
Behold, ’tis eventide.
O Savior, stay this night with me;
Behold, ’tis eventide.

3. Abide with me; ’tis eventide,
And lone will be the night
If I cannot commune with thee
Nor find in thee my light.
The darkness of the world, I fear,
Would in my home abide.

[Chorus]
O Savior, stay this night with me;
Behold, ’tis eventide.
O Savior, stay this night with me;
Behold, ’tis eventide.

Although my sickness has not been taken away, I know the Lord hears and answers my prayers. Last night my hospital room may have seemed empty to any other person, but I KNOW that I was NOT alone. Though FAITH may not bring me healing, it can bring me PEACE!  My SAVIOR and REDEEMER, JESUS CHRIST is the true peace I seek at this time.  HE has NEVER forsaken me!

My New Little Friend

Yesterday was an eventful day for me at the hospital.  I was given a new source of nourishment which brings great hope to a seemingly hopeless situation.  The nutrition specialist decided that it was time to insert a CENTRAL PICK LINE (I think that's what it's called).  This is a special type of IV that is inserted into my upper arm and into a main artery that reaches just above my heart.  It was quite the process.

At 9:30am a porter came to get me from my room and take me down to the radiology wing of the hospital.  Luckily for me my maternal grandparents are here visiting and were able to accompany me down to the surgery room.  Grandma and Grandpa were able to come into the room with me and listern to the explanation from the doctor who would be doing the procedure.  Sometimes I just get too much information at once here and it is good to have someone else listening to it too.  The procedure itself did not take too long, but it was not exactly what I had expected.  The worst part was the beginning of the procedure when they froze an area of skin on the inside of my upper arm.  The freezing really hurt, which is somewhat ironic, but once I was frozen it seemed to be okay.  First the doctor used an ultrasound to locate the veins and arteries in my upper arm to determine which one they would use to reach my heart.  Another doctor then came in and cleaned my arm in preparation for the wire that would be inserted.  Using what seemed to be x-ray the doctor inserted the wire and could see where it was travelling inside of my arm.  I too got to watch the wire on a big screen, which was kind of neat.  The wire travelled from my upper arm, into an artery and then to a point just above my heart. Once the wire was in place it was time to insert the tubing of my special IV.  The tubing was guided to the same placed as the wire as it was placed around it and slowly fed into me.  When the tubing was then in place, the wire was removed, as it had fulfilled it's purpose as a guide. The finishing touches were a few small stitches at the entry site and a large bandage.  All that remained on the outside of my arm were two dangling IV portals.  In all the procedure took no more than 30 minutes.

After my central pick line was inserted I was transported back up to my room in the Maternity Ward.  When I returned there and stepped off the bed I had been transported on, the room began to spin. I quickly found my way to my regular bed and explained to the porter I was very dizzy and light-headed.  He told me that was to be expected with this procedure and that I needed to stay on bed rest for a minimum of 2 hours.  I decided longer might be neccessary.

Because the freezing was still in my arm when I first returned to my room, I could not tell what it was going to feel like.  I also did not see what it looked like because it was covered by a bandage.  The freezing began to come out mid-afternoon and I realized quickly why the nurse had asked me to take some tylenol.  The throbbing in my arm if nothing else distracted me from the nausea for a while... haha.

At about 7pm my nourishment source (TPN) was started at a very slow rate through the new pick line.  The mixture resembling mushroom soup, was hooked up to one of the two portals of my line.  A regular IV fluid was hooked up to the other portal and my "SUPPER" began.  So far the nourishment has not made a very large difference, but I was told after about 24 hours I should start to feel like I havea little bit more energy at least.  I look forward to walking to the bathroom and back without getting out of breath... haha.  But the BEST NEWS of all is that with the TPN nourishment the baby will be getting all of it's neccessary nutrients to grow and be healthy.  And although I would love to feel better, our NUMBER ONE concern is the health of our child!

The BIG NEWS... and Bigger Surprises!

So the big reason for starting this blog is to announce our BIG NEWS!  Brad and I are going to be PARENTS!  We are so excited about the prospect of parenthood. Things are going to be changing for us and there is so much to look forward to. Today I am officially 10 weeks along and 1/4 of the way to holding that precious newborn in my arms.

As exciting as the BIG NEWS is, we have had some even BIGGER SURPRISES on our journey to parenthood so far. On February 18th I started to feel quite ill and considered it must just be morning sickness due to the little addition growing inside me.  But it took a mere 48 hours to realize this sickness was more intense than the average pregnancy.  After missing a few days of work and some coaxing from my loving husband I went to the walk-in clinic on the University of Saskatchewan campus. There the doctor who saw me said things weren't completely unusual for pregnancy and if things got worse to make sure I went to the hospital because dehydration was a possible consequence.  Otherwise I should just rest and be careful about what I eat.  We headed home from the doctor thinking this would pass with time but by 11pm on February 22nd Brad decided it was time to take me to the Emergency Room because I had not kept any food or water down for over 72 hours.  When we arrived at the hospital it was clear to the doctor I was indeed very dehydrated and so I was set up in a small room with an IV to rehydrate me.  My amazing husband sat next to the bed all through the night as bag after bag of IV fluid was added.  By 8 am I was discharged with the direction to return if things did not get better in the next couple days.  Friday February 25th was the next trip to the Emergency Room as all my dehydration symptoms had returned. This time I was rehydrated and admitted to the Maternity Ward of the Royal University Hospital in Saskatoon. 

During this 2 WEEK stay in hospital I was tested for Thyroid issues (as it can be a reason for the extreme nausea and vomitting) but was told everything was fine for that.  The other percieved cause of this extreme illness was the fact that I could be carrying multiple babies. So an ultrasound was scheduled for Sunday February 27th to check out the little baby or babies growing inside.  That was a SILVER LINING for Brad and I.  Our first ultrasound was a very SPECIAL EXPERIENCE, getting to hear the heartbeat (not heartbeats) of our baby (not babies). To see first hand the life that had begun was in and of itself the first MIRACLE of my stay in the hospital.  Over the 14 days in hospital I experienced highs and lows on a daily basis.  The blessings of patient and kind nurses made my seemingly endless nights tolerable, but tiring days did not mean I would sleep at night. On an average night I would become GRATEFUL for an hour long nap. 

During this first stay in the hospital I was supported by many friends and family members; near and far. Our WONDERFUL ward FAMILY became our main source of support as many people came to visit me in the hospital and help make sure Brad was taken care of too, while he worked through one of the BUSIEST times of his school semester. On Friday March 4th one of the biggest BLESSINGS was a visit from my mom and dad who travelled to Saskatoon for the weekend. Sometimes a girl just needs to have her parents. It was so nice to have them at the hospital to distract me while Brad was busy studying for exams and completing major school assignments. 

On Saturday March 12th I was released from the hospital to go home.  The on-call doctor who discharged me was one I had never met before and I think was in a hurry to give the bed to another patient.  I was still not keeping any food or liquid down.  I proceeded to return home where my LOVING husband cared for me between University classes for four days before I realized I needed to head back to the Emergency Room.  On Wednesday March 16th a call was placed to have someone take me to the hospital because Brad was still in school.  Uncle Andrew and Aunt Angie did not hesitate to come immediately to pick me up.  Thier love and support has been an important part of my dealing with this sickness.

By Friday March 18th it had been 1 MONTH since the inability to digest food or water had begun.  The nutritional specialist came to see me to discuss nourishment options.  By this point I had lost nearly 20 pounds during pregnancy.  It was decided to try a nasal feeding tube which would be directed into my stomach. That night a resident doctor came to attempt to insert the feeding tube... it was not a very fun experience. Aunt Angie stayed with me and coached me through the procedure. She was AWESOME! Her encouragement gave me the strength to try my best with the idea of tube being put up my nose. But, I started choking on the tube and coughing shortly after they started the procedure which meant they had to pull the tube out because my airway was opening up too much and they didn't want the tube to be misdirected into my lungs.  So they decided to try a second attempt in the morning.  The second attempt was better because I had prepared myself mentally to accomplish the task ahead.  I had thought about good breathing and swallowing techniques all night, but to no avail. The feeding tube decided to curl up in the back of my throat and so again it had to be removed. Frustrated and emotionally exhausted the surgeon told me they had one more thing to try with the tube.  They froze the tube so that as it was being inserted it would go directly where it should go and not curl itself up.  Deeply concentrating on my swallowing rhythm I drank two containers of orange juice as they quickly slipped the tube through my nostril and down my throat. Hooray!  It worked... or so we thought. Not long after the feeding tube was in place it was apparent it may not be staying.  I began gagging on the tube due to my over-active gag reflex.  After 20 minutes of trying to get used to the tube the surgeon decided it was time to remove the tube a third time.  The feeding tube had FAILED!

And so the journey continues to find a way to feed me and the baby.  It has been over 48 hours since the last feeding tube attempt and I have yet to keep any food or drink down.  I am dealing with constant nausea and persistant vomitting.  I am supposed to be meeting with the nutrition specialist some time soon to discuss the next options.

I want everyone who has been supporting us through this very difficult time to know that we appreciate all the thoughts, VISITS, LOVE and especially the PRAYERS. Please keep them going to heaven on our behalf!